Sunday, November 12, 2017

A Quick Note...

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all doing well. I wanted to drop a quick note to say that I will be quiet for a while. I've been honing in on a writing project... more to come on this soon... so I need to focus my extra time and energy on that right now.
On a second note, J and I and the family are doing great! J and I have had many conversations about expectations and implements and that sort of thing and have been much more in tune with each other this past week. My submission is another area I am trying to focus my time and attention because I've really been out of sync lately and not submitting to J well. This past week I did much better though.
 So until I return, I wanted to leave you with this...

These just speak to me right now. So until next time I wish you all well and hope you will stop back in when I am able to return. Thank you to all of you who have welcomed me here.



Sunday, November 5, 2017

The not so infamous "implement" post

Hello everyone! Happy Day Light Savings! I hope you are all doing well.
I was enjoying that extra hour of sleep until my dreams took a turn... I was dreaming that J shaved his face (he has a glorious beard) and no longer wanted our life or for me to call him Daddy. The first thing I did when I woke was reach out to run my hands through his beard and as he asked for his coffee I reveled in responding, "Yes Daddy."
Go ahead and laugh or roll your eyes or whatever, lol. I wave my freak flag high ya'll.

Anyhow, I wanted to talk about implements today. Ok so I promise this won't exactly be the infamous implement post. I just want to walk down memory lane a bit here with the implements J's used.

So when we began practicing DD, D/s J used a heavy duty paddle when it came time for punishments.
 The thing was wicked! We don't have it anymore. I'm not sure whatever happened to the dang thing...😉

And not only did it hurt like all get out, it was LOUD! One day after being given a punishment the night before I was coming from my van to the house and our neighbor happened to be outside.
"How you guys doing?" he asked a big smile, a big knowing smile on his face. J would say I'm being paranoid here but, seriously, it's not his backside apparently on display for all the neighbors to hear.
Anyhow, we tried other things, all loud...

 wooden spoon...


 (don't even get me started)...

tilt wands
 (which we currently use because they are "silent")...

Did you know they have glow- in- the- dark ones...

J thinks I need something more severe because the tilt wand isn't making enough of an impression... or so the man says...  I thinketh he protests too much...

So he threatened the paddle again and I begged him to reconsider. It's not because the thing hurts, honestly, it does but whatever. It's because it's so darn loud. I really don't want the neighborhood to know when I'm punished. Hey, I'm proud of our lifestyle in my own quiet way and would like to leave it to that.

So... he researched and found something that he is looking into trying... it is silent and ...gulp... severe...

You guessed right, the loopy johnny... (should I capitalize that?)

 I mean from what I hear the thing is serious business and I'm a bit apprehensive to say the least.
Any of you used one?

So anyhow, this past week was full of ups and downs and non- submissive moments. We've had a lot of talks and quite a few punishments. The past few days have been better though and I'm trying my darndest to keep it that way.

So until next time, I hope you all have a good week and stay outta trouble!

Love to you all,


Monday, October 30, 2017

I'm Here Again...

I'm sitting here on a tender bottom. I was punished just now. Sometimes I don't even know how it all comes about. Everything seems to be going smoothly and then I've done it again, opened my mouth, gotten snarky, gone too far, pushed the limits. I've responded to J disrespectfully instead of calmly. I've let my emotions get in the way and taint what it is I'm trying to say.

J is on vacation this week and I've been so excited to have him here. We have a stay- cation planned for the remainder of the week but today was a typical one so we started our day as usual this morning. I still had school to teach, the kids had lessons to do, and J had business calls to make. Not realizing that he needed uninterrupted time for his calls I allowed our children to head down to see him each time interrupting a call that he was on. Each time a child returned to me dejectedly because daddy was on a call and had sent them back upstairs. I wasn't sure what was going on so I checked with J and realized that he was tied up on calls so sat the children down and moved them on with their lessons. 

The doorbell rang and it was a family member that needed to talk. After  they had visited with the kids for a bit I excused myself and J carried on lessons while I spoke with them. The external family stress is picking up again and I seem to be the go-to person lately when it comes to needing a shoulder or advice. 

After talking with this family member and returning back to classes with the children, J picked up where he left off with his calls. Again, I didn't realize he was busy and allowed a child to head down to see him. He spoke sharply to the child and hearing this I went to the child's defense but I was angry and lashed out at him instead of speaking calmly and respectfully. It was basically a repeat of the issue we had last week. 

Perhaps it was the stress of my conversation with my family member, perhaps it was the unexpectedness of the visit, maybe it was the fact that I spoke with another family member just last night that is directly tied to the issue and I'm being hit from both sides again. Whatever it is, I snapped, having no patience to control my temper when I should have, with J. I swore, I got nasty, and I let him have it with my attitude.

I knew he would punish me but when the realization hit me it was already too late. I had already blown it.

I know that I should have calmly led my child back to her seat and carried on. I could have talked with J later and questioned him respectfully about my concerns. The right response seems to inevitably reach my brain too late.

When the kids were down to bed J brought me downstairs. He lectured and he punished and lectured some more. He told me that I am a good submissive but I just can't seem to get this...

I wish I had an answer. I wish I thought before reacting even if my feelings were justified. My wrong doesn't make the situation right and I need to learn to be respectful even when I disagree or think something done or said was unjust. J isn't always right. He's human. He fails. He handles things in ways sometimes that I don't agree with. We all do. We all fall short sometimes. My reaction in those moments makes things so much more complicated and it's just so not conducive to peace.

All I can say is that I am still learning. Last week I questioned J.
"So do you think we should give up the dynamic?"
I didn't ask because I thought so but because I wanted to know how he felt.
"No," he stated without hesitation.
"We keep the dynamic. When it's working it's good."
So there you have it. It seems maybe he does see this as something we need after all, maybe?
I do feel this way because I wouldn't have reached even my current level of submission without it.

As for this reoccuring problem, I want to do better. I don't want to drive a wedge between us. DD is the reason a wedge isn't being driven because we take care of the problem and reconnect quickly and we are committed to doing better. But it seems to be taking me a long time to learn this lesson.

Please don't misunderstand here readers. I don't like it that I react this way with J. I don't like it that he has to continuously punish me for this. I'm not turned on by brating, displeasing him or being punished. I'd much rather be on his good side. I tell my children that daddy can be a bear. Literally. Would you prefer the teddy or the grizzly? This girl prefers the teddy. Truly.

So I asked J, should I blog about this? He told me yes if it helps me process. So here you have it. It is out. It is documented. I need to show him for his approval as usual and then send it on its way to cyberspace. I hope getting it out will help me remember to do the right thing next time I'm faced with handling myself respectfully in light of my emotions.

Until next time, I hope you all have a good week.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

Bad Girl

Hello readers,

I wasn't going to post today because I had written a post earlier in the week but something has come up and J sort of prompted me to do this.

Yesterday I got upset with J. Our day started like a typical Saturday, J went out grocery shopping and I corralled the kids and got them ready for the day, we cleaned and stripped beds and got all our household chores done. After lunch when things had settled down and the kids were out playing I went into the kitchen to wash up and make some bottles for the baby when one of my children came in to report that our pre-k child had bit her. We have been having a lot of trouble with this particular child and I'm sure it's her age but we have had to come down a bit harder on her lately. So anyhow I went outside and collected her and sent her on to her room. I told J what happened and he went up to deal with her. Rather than going into the whole story here suffice it to say that J dealt with her and then had her come down and apologize and I felt he was being a bit too hard on her when he chided her for not apologizing verbally and giving hugs instead. He did not. He had his reasons for wanting her to apologize correctly and I didn't submit.

So I titled this post Bad Girl not for the wee one but for the mama in this story. *sigh...

I got upset with J and jumped in and gave him a piece of my mind, in front of the kids and all. I was not submissive. I prattled on and on and he sat and stared at me and listened until he'd had enough. He got up growled at me a bit and then went on his way down stairs to cool off.
I got up and began tending to our children. I was pumped and angry. A couple of the kids were hungry so I got up to get them food and the baby also needed a bottle so one of my older children began to feed her. I could have left things alone but I did not. I went down stairs, the dungeon, and hollered from halfway down that I needed J's help . I said a few other choice things before coming up the stairs and when he cornered me in the kitchen he spoke to me quietly and sharply and I mouthed off some more. He prohibited me from doing the shopping I had planned for that day because I was relentless with my attitude towards him. Eventually he swatted me, something he usually doesn't do out in the open and went off to tend to the baby while I prepared food for the kids that were hungry.

So, why am I telling you this? Well, J feels that I don't give my readers an accurate description of the way I can be when I'm not submissive. He is unhappy with the way my submission has been and wants it to improve. I understand and agree with him. He works hard for us, he is a good husband and father, he even brought me flowers this week for no reason other than to show his love for me and I still am struggling to submit to him. Oh, I do well when things are going just fine. But when I'm irritated, tired or stressed sometimes I just don't submit well.
And then there are times like yesterday when my language gets colorful and even occasionally... a gesture... which obviously does not go over well, as it shouldn't.

When we had time to deal with things J escorted me down to the "dungeon" and proceeded to lecture me about the days happenings. When I went to explain my side he listened for a bit and then hushed me and told me it was his turn to talk. He said he was displeased with me and that lately I haven't been submitting the way he wants me to. True submission is submitting when it's not easy, when it doesn't feel good, when I haven't got my way. He told me spanking me wasn't helping for situations like this and he honestly didn't want to deal with it right then. So he sent me to bed early. No date night, no Daddy time, no cuddles. Bed.
So I went. I was sad but I was also content knowing he wouldn't put up with the way I acted. Weird? Maybe. It's not like I wanted to go to bed. I didn't. But a part of me needed to know he wouldn't let me be a loose canon with him.

So, I still have a lot of work to do in the area of submission. J wanted me to let you all know what things can be like when I'm not so submissive. He wanted me to give an accurate account of what it can be like when I'm not doing well. He wants me to be authentic and honest about these accounts and not just when things are great. So unfortunately that is what I had to report about yesterday.
Today we have plans with family and then perhaps the shopping that I was suppose to do.
So until next time, I wish you all a good rest of your weekend and a good week ahead.


Friday, October 20, 2017

Things I've Learned This Week

Good morning! I figured I'd write my post early this week because some things have come up that I felt I should blog about. Part of the reason I blog is so that I can look back and reflect on things, how our dynamic is evolving, challenges and successes that we've had, things like that.

This has been a tough week for me. I haven't been feeling well and it's really been affecting the way I function nearly causing me to have a panic attack, definitely causing irritability.
So something that I'm not happy about that I have to deal with in my daily life is that I have structural sleep apnea. When I sleep I actually stop breathing because my nasal passages are narrow. I hadn't found this out until about 3 years ago when I was literally so tired at one point that in a one week period I had minor fender benders while driving, I think three of them. I was so tired I felt like you would have had to scrape me off the floor by midday. It was beyond normal fatigue.
I also struggle with thyroid and celiac disease so I have to avoid gluten like the plague and take medication to replace my thyroid hormone.
So I'm mentioning all this because lately I have been having a struggle with wanting to cooperate with my medical regime and stick to wearing my oxygen at night. I really don't like it. I hate that I have to wear nasal prongs attached to a hose. I feel like an astronaut coming to bed beside my husband. I want to lay down next to him and feel sexy in a little nightie or something, not have to wear oxygen and lift it up to kiss him goodnight. Hey I know it could be worse but you can understand, right? I'm in my mid- thirties and I feel like an elderly woman. It's just not the last impression I want to give to my husband before we go to sleep at night.
Anyways, staying faithful to my prescribed health care has been hard on my self image I guess. I even looked into surgery at one point to fix the passages in my nose and broaden them or something but when my doctor described the procedure I cringed and chickened out. He bluntly stated then that I had to wear the oxygen because it was literally saving my life.
So because I really didn't want to wear the hose and because I rationalized it would be easier to get up with the baby and back down again without needing to take it on and off I asked J if I could try these nasal strips that I'd heard about. They are suppose to help open the nasal passages during sleep so one breathes better. He agreed and so I tried and felt ok for a while but then lately I've ditched those too thinking that I'd be fine without them. Not good.
Anyhow, this past week after not having oxygen for quite some time, a couple of months now, and not even using the nasal strips I have grown so tired that I was fighting migraines everyday and popping Excedrin's for that which haven't really been helping. I found myself growing short with J and my poor children that have to put up with me not only as their mother but now as their teacher, sigh, and I'd reach inside of myself and try to pull out more patience, more endurance, sometimes successfully and other times not. Just yesterday I hollered at my daughter for not taking out her whiteboard when I directed...
So anyhow, I say all this to say that I realize that I need the oxygen and J, after noticing that I am not using the nasal strips like I should be has insisted that I wear it. So last night I did and I feel so much better! It really is a small price to pay to feel well and be able to function efficiently.
I realize that our dynamic helps me for reasons just such as this. Honestly, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, something I don't like about myself but it's the truth. I have a hard time sticking to things that I really don't like even when they are necessary. Heck sometimes I have a hard time sticking to things I do like and completing my goals. Like my writing...
Well I can see now that a lot of it had to do with not feeling well but I so often will start a project and not see it through to the finish line. I have a writing project that I am pursuing now and was ready to call it quits because I couldn't understand why I was so tired all the time. Well...duh!
I mean how much more clear could it be y'all!
So yeah, see what I mean. Our dynamic literally helps me keep my head on right!

Originally my post was meant to be an update on my post from last weekend. I had talked about a heart to heart that I attempted to have with J that got unexpectedly interrupted. Well we finally did have that talk the following evening and his reply was this...

We began DD because of my need. I was dealing with a lot, shouldering a lot of the burdens that my external family members were going through and I was worn out from all of it. Aside from dealing with my own feelings about some things that were going on I was trying to be a support for others in my family. DD helped me cope and keep myself together. I found comfort in it and in the strength and protection of my husband. Even his protection from my own self and my tendency to get overwhelmed and shut down emotionally or just lose it all together and panic.
That first year for us was all about him being a support for me and giving me what I needed from him. He wasn't comfortable with it at first and had a lot of reservations. He went into this with a lot of questions that needed researching on his part. He wanted to be sure this was ok, that it wouldn't hurt me, hurt us.
It has been a little over a year now that we have been practicing this. He feels that there are benefits for us both and that these practises help our connection. He does not however feel that this lifestyle choice is the be all, end all and I would agree. While it has helped us with some relational goals that we had, it wasn't the only means we could have used to reach those goals. We chose this, however, because I expressed a need and he could see that my need was deep.

What about him? Does he need this.

The short answer to that is, no, not like I do.
But he is willing to embrace this because I do need it. He finds benefit in it and is beginning to notice that DD helps him as well. It creates a platform for him to fine tune his own characteristics, his own habits both good or bad. To be an accountability for me means that he has to keep himself progressing in character as well. He has to display what he requires of me and in turn it creates an internal accountability for himself as well.

Will he ever need this like I do?

That is a tough question to answer. We are coming at this from different angles. I am needing this because I need him as a support in my life, in a much deeper and more profound way than most wives need their husbands, I think.
He is coming at this to be a support so the neediness piece really is more mine.

I know he needs certain things that DD helps us find success with. He needs my respect, my submission to his lead, he needs to be able to guide and lead our family. DD helps me to respect his lead and let go of the reigns by reminding me my place and helping me feel my submission in a way that I couldn't before. DD helps my husband express his authority and his right to have a voice, the final voice in our home. It doesn't mean my opinion isn't counted. It just means that he gets the last say when a decision needs to be made. Left up to me, I tend to over commit myself and deal with many things from an emotional standpoint until I wind up overwhelmed. J on the other hand takes a mindful approach to decisions that need to be made. Is there enough time to accomplish tasks to make that commitment? Is the money available for this pursuit? Is it the right time to accomplish a certain goal or does it need to be put on hold? Things like that. So it really helps the situation when I am agreeable to submit to his final say especially being that he is better suited to handle the leadership of our home than I am. I mean I could manage if I had to but the ball is definitely better off in his court.
Other aspects of our home life are better left up to me, like what we need at the grocery store, what needs to be done pertaining to the care of our kids, educationally, medically, materially, and so forth.

So we each have our roles and this helps us to flesh them out and so for the benefit that our dynamic provides, yes J needs that. Does he personally need to dominate me to feel fulfilled in our relationship, no. I however do need that from him because it helps me submit myself. And even if the tool we use to achieve our goals is more my need than his, it's ok. I mean really. The man is willing to help me in whatever way I need him to and really that's all that matters.
Anyhow, I hope you all have a great weekend and take good care! Thanks for putting up with my ramblings...



Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Good Girl (Jlynne)

Good Girl

Eyes brimming with tears,
All I ever seem to do now is cry, 
And I don't want to burden you with my fears, 
So I will try-
To put on a brave face and keep up with our lives,
But these feelings are overwhelming me each waking moment and at night.

I'll try, I'll try to be a good girl for you,
Bring you your coffee, kneel by your feet,
All I can do.
I'll try to seem happy to make it easy for you,
To leave me here and do what you have to.

Walking through my days, I feel so alone.
Fighting the urge to reach out and call you through my phone,
There's so much inside I don't know how to express.
And I just have to wait on you and hope you'll notice.

I'll try, Daddy I'll try to be a good girl for you,
Take care of our babies, keep under control,
All I can do.
I'll keep a brave face to make it easy for you,
To leave me here and do what you have to.

Please don't be angry if I mess up sometimes,
The last thing I want to cause is hurt in our lives,
I will try to do my best to hold this side of our lives.
But these feelings still overwhelm me.

I'll try, my Love, I'll try to be a good girl for you,
Welcome you home, help you unwind,
 All I can do.
I'll take what you give me to make it easy for you,
To return to me here and love me like you do.

Because You Said So (Jlynne)

Because You Said So

Because you said so I will kneel and show you my respect,
Because you said so I will confess to you and let you correct,
I will bare myself to you and lay me down low,
And I know I am loved by you,
Because you said so.

Because you said so I will honor you and obey,
Because you said so I will try my best to please you each day,
I will live by the mandates you've given me and try my best to grow,
And I know this is good for me,
Because you said so.

Because you said so I will embrace myself and try to learn self love,
Because you said so I will overcome and try to rise above,
I will let my inhibitions free as you light my soul aglow,
And I know this is beautiful to you,
Because you said so.