Sunday, September 17, 2017

Down with the Bath Bomb

Hey Ya'll and a happy Sunday to ya!

I just have a quick fun post today just to lighten the mood a bit. It's been a week! Busy as anything and hormonal to boot now that the PMS fairy has revisited our house...
And boy did she return with a vengeance! To top that off was an unwanted trip down nostalgia lane later in the week but we won't get into that!

 I saw this the other day and it just made me laugh so hard I had to share here...





Lol! So this is what my hubby says I look like when I get pissed off... or in his words, "You look evil."
And then he spanks the evil outta me and that is that.
So in spite of being hormonal I have surprisingly managed to stay out of trouble for the most part this week. This wasn't an easy feat guys!

Monday I was soo tired after having been up for most the night with the baby and still had to teach school the next day. After getting no shower, fighting horrid stomach cramps for my emerging womanly problem and downing a whole pot o' coffee all by myself while teaching my children I was down for the count by the time hubby walked in the door that evening. I looked at him with the most pathetic eyes I could muster (It was either that or the evil look)

"I just want to take a bath."
So he took our wee little ones and I raced up the stairs and dug out the bath bombs that he had bought for me recently.





And they all had different titles on them... I chose "stressed moms" turned on the hot water and dropped that  bad boy in. This mom was down with the bath bombs. It felt great! The bomb diggity (for those of you from my generation)!!
 Hell yeah I was all in that with the quickness.... ok I'll stop.

So that was pretty much my week. Nothing too exciting and man do I seriously need a spanking to keep me sane!

Hope ya'll have a good week.


Sunday, September 10, 2017

Our Domestic Discipline choice (part 2)

J agreed that we would put the lifestyle into practice. He did some research and came up with several expectations that I was to follow...

The smoking and drinking must stop (a drink in moderation was okay but excessive drinking was not), I was to take care of myself (no eating disorder behaviors), I was to eat breakfast (Something he'd been trying to get me to do for the longest), I was to keep my temper, I was not to leave the house without letting him know where I was going, I was to be on time to my destinations, I was not to make purchases without asking him, and above all else I was to respect him.

So we began living out our new dynamic and in the beginning I got in trouble A LOT! The changes that we made had caused a lot of things to operate differently for us. Not only did I for the first time in our marriage have rules to follow, but I was to defer to J's authority on everything. He was the boss! Neither of us was use to this.  It's baffling to me how different we were before then but I would never want to go back to the way it was...

Before I did whatever I felt like. If J didn't like it he told me so but he had nothing to back up his wishes that I change my behavior. Now if he notices that something is not in my or our families best interest he sets a hard limit on it and I'm expected to submit to him.
 Before if there was conflict it caused division and there was distance between us. Now if we fought I was required to step down and accept his authority in the matter or be punished.

 Double standard? Maybe...

 Do we have an equal marriage? Nope...
 But I would rather be protected than be equal. And if J didn't recognize that I am just as valuable as he then it would be different but it isn't that way. He isn't "bossy" in order to "lord it over" me, but it is for my good. He isn't a selfish dictator in our home. He is always thinking of us and giving to us so that we can have the things we need. And he is agreeable to many things I ask him for as well. The least I owe him is my respect. I want my man to feel like a king in his home. I do even accept punishment from him because it helps me submit to him this way and I want to be my best for him. We are equal in value, but our roles are different. He is above me. I am subordinate to him. We believe this is right and it is desired by us both.

As time progressed we experienced much closeness within the practices we embraced. We also experienced setbacks. There were times that things were great, our dynamic was operating smoothly, we were close and experiencing a lot of intimacy. Other times were tough. A rule would be broken, I found submission challenging, a punishment needed to happen and I disagreed and didn't want to submit to J, he was disappointed that I hadn't met his expectation in a certain area and felt angry, Doming is hard work and he was worn out, I felt let down by his needing a break...

Living out this dynamic is not easy and there are many kinks to work out when a couple embarks on this journey. Like anything else that has the potential to reap benefits in the lives of its followers it takes time, practice, patience and much tweaking to do so.

In time though we both discovered that (as my husband says) when DD works it is great!
We found ourselves more devoted to each other than ever before. Suddenly the interest of the other partner was our greatest concern. I wanted J to be pleased with me and meeting his expectations became paramount to me. J wanted to meet my needs and protect me and he began to take his role as a husband very seriously. I felt loved and cherished by him in a much more profound way then ever before. I looked at him differently, with more respect and awe, especially after he'd punish me. Although it hurt and I didn't like it, it made me respect him. It changed how I viewed him. I used to think he was mine. Now I knew without a doubt, I was his.
I was his duty, his responsibility. Yes I am an adult and capable of caring for myself but he is my lord. I am his subject, and a very loved one. I am happy to let myself be his.

One night in particular we were experiencing such intense intimacy and as we made love I suddenly felt more free than I had ever felt before when it came to being that vulnerable to him. The emotion inside of me was overwhelming, and on the brink of tears I felt very strongly to call him Daddy. I didn't know why I felt this way and I was afraid I would burst out with it unexpectedly. I was also afraid he would find it strange and judge me. Afterwards though, while I was in his arms I told him about how badly I longed to call out to him as Daddy and that I didn't understand why.
I didn't see J as my father. I'd never even called my own father daddy, not once growing up. So it wasn't some distasteful incest- related thing.
But when I told J this his answer shocked me. He said he would love for me to call him Daddy and not to feel ashamed about it.

"Of course it's okay. You're my little girl."

Tears filled my eyes. Now, aside from when the kids are around or we are with others, this is all I ever call him. When I look at him I am filled with love for him. He is strong, capable, and everything I have ever wanted or needed. In him I see my soul mate and my lover but I also see my provider, my protector, and my Leader. This is what I am expressing by calling him Daddy.

 It is because of our intensified relationship that I am eager to have him be pleased with me. I want so much more than to submit to him simply to appease him as if we are playing at some sort of  game. Hearts and emotions are involved in what we do. A relationship is happening here. And whether I've shown him perfect submission or messed it up, whether I've earned his praise or his punishment I know that I am always his love and that what he does is out of love for me and  we will keep trying until we get it right.






Monday, September 4, 2017

Our Domestic Discipline choice (part one)

Hello there!
It's been a busy week as school has begun here and I'm still in the process of piecing together curriculum's and planning out our year. J and I have celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary this past week! My how time flies...

So I thought I would piece together our story of how we heard about and began practicing DD. I don't remember all the details perfectly but I will do my best to paint the picture accurately with as much as I can remember...

So my husband and I met when I was in my late teens and he was in his mid twenties. He was very much the laid back, easy going type of partner whereas I typically knew what I wanted and pushed until I got it. He generally would tend to give into me feeling that to be loving was to let me have my way. I couldn't explain it, but deep inside I felt unsatisfied with the way our relationship operated. I wanted him to take control, to take the control away from me. I wanted him to have his own voice, tell me no, be firm with me. I felt that left to my own tendencies I ran the risk of being reckless, undisciplined, even out of control at times. I wanted to be submissive as a wife but I had no clue what that would look like or mean. Nor did I have any understanding as to why I felt this way. I came from a home where my father was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive. I certainly would never allow any man to dominate me! And if any ever tried I would put him in his place!
As you can guess, much has changed, and I am so glad it did!
Coincidentally my husband also came from a home with an abusive father although the abuse was also extended to his mother so this contributed a lot with his unease about being the ringleader in the relationship.

So the first time we heard of DD was actually when we were dating! It must have been very early in its development because we only came across it by chance. We read up on it out of awe mostly and laughed about it a bit. I could not even fathom J taking control over me in this way. So just for kicks we decided to try it, not committing to it very seriously. J was in college and living with his mom (his parents had been divorced for some time) and so one week when she was out of town I stayed with him. I acted like a little wife, cooking and cleaning. He brought groceries home, it was so cute! And then it happened! One night as I was cooking dinner for him we got in a slight argument. I don't remember what it was about. Anyhow being the stubborn girl that I was I got really mad and yelled at him. He looked at me and I could see the indecision in his face. Would he give into me now like usual or put his foot down like this weird dynamic would have him do?
Slowly but surely I saw his expression change to one of resolve, "Do you want a spanking?" Now he was a bit flustered. That's it, I had pushed him to his limit.
My inner feminist (Yes I considered myself one) came out and I let him have it!
"No, don't you threaten me like that. How fair is that! I get spanked and what do you get! I'm not the only one arguing here..." you get the picture. So anyhow I resolved that I could not live by such a woman- stifling dynamic, haha. How could I possibly have any respect for myself  if I allowed myself to be treated like that. And we never tried it again...

Oh there was the occasional bedroom play, spanking during sex. It was all good. Palm Sunday once after church (we were newlyweds) J had fun later with the palm branches the church gave us to take home, lol.  But no serious spanking, no discipline. Nope not going to have it. But still deep down there was something about submitting that appealed to me and I didn't know why.

Fast forward  now to about a year and a half ago...
Life was mostly good. Our kids were mostly school aged and I was teaching. J and I were experiencing a lot of closeness in our relationship. We were planning a retreat together early the following summer. But there were other things going on in my life. Things with my extended family that were causing a lot of stress. I was trying to carry some of the burden for them and it was weighing on me, as well as the emotional burden of what was happening. Things were happening quickly and I felt myself sinking. One evening as I felt myself sinking into the depths of despair (in the words of Anne of Green Gables) I thought back to when J and I were dating. I wanted him to take away my pain. I wanted him to take control and not let me take charge. Too much was on my shoulders and I needed him to tell me no. No you can't handle this all on your own. No you can't fix your family, that's their job. No you can't run away from me emotionally. No you can't sit there and sink into a depression. He was saying these things to me but it didn't matter. I was already losing myself. When work was over, chores done for the night, kids in bed I would sink. Even my intimacy with J couldn't pull me out of it. I needed something more...

I went online and researched until I found what I was looking for.... yes this is what we had read about... could this really work? Was I ready for this now? Could I actually submit to J? Could I really allow myself to give up control?
At first I scoffed at the idea. No I didn't want this. I didn't need this. I pushed the idea away and tried to forget about it. But over the next couple of weeks I found myself thinking about it more. I read up and found some blogs that other women who submitted to their husbands had written. Slowly the idea began to appeal to me. I knew I wanted to give up control.

I spoke with J about my thoughts. I asked him to check out some of the websites I had found. He very lovingly told me, "No." He didn't feel it would be right for him to treat me that way. A husband is not suppose to be controlling with his wife let alone the things that these websites mentioned, spank her...

Not that he had any issue with the occassional spanking. But that wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't what my need was about. It was about giving up control and him taking it. It was about learning to live as a submitted wife and for him to dominate me. That was the core of what I wanted. I wanted to know he had me and would not let me self- destruct... even if that meant taking me in hand to prove his point.

So I gave it up and tried to forget about it again. But deep down I knew what I wanted.

Summertime came, school ended and we packed up for our retreat. We were so excited to get away alone, without the family issues, without the kids. Some babysitters that we and our kids adore came to watch them while we were away. It was bliss!
We had so much time together, just the two of us. It hadn't been that way for so long! At J's request I left my phone off and he left his on, in case the babysitters called. No interruptions, no worries, I got to focus on just us.

When we returned we were refreshed and excited to see our kids. But soon after returning the family issues crept up and the stress and heartache returned again. J saw me falling and the falling resulted in buying cigarettes and having a drink when the kids went to bed at night. Finally J put his foot down.
He was tired of seeing me down and tired of seeing me making bad decisions to cope with the pain...








Sunday, August 27, 2017

Saturday Spanks

Good Morning and Happy Sunday! I hope all are doing well.
It's been a busy weekend here! As usual Saturday was full of running around and getting errands and shopping done. Today we have a birthday party for our oldest child to prepare for. The kids are at the park and I have a sleeping baby and a birthday cake in the oven.
As hectic as things have been lately with all I have to do, I am trying to slow down and notice all the blessings around me. My older kids sitting and playing checkers together, my preschooler chatting my ear off about all her favorite foods at breakfast, kisses on the nose and hugs from all of them, love notes from my oldest girl about how I'm the best mom in the world, baby cuddles and coos and the sweet smell of an infant when I pick her up in the morning, innocence. They won't always be this small and its a struggle sometimes to embrace  mommy hood all over again with a new baby and also try to hang onto the me that I am with my husband, his wife, his submissive, his little girl. I love our lifestyle together. I love that I'm getting back into my blogging and writing and getting to know others in the community again. I love getting myself back together, my focus, my body, my individuality. Yet it's a struggle sometimes with all that I am outside of those things to find that perfect balance of who I am as an individual, a wife, a submissive and a mother. I know we've all been there and we all know what that struggle is like. And really, I wouldn't have it any other way. My hands are full but I'd rather have them full than empty! And in spite of  all the demands I am keeping up and have found renewed strength as I've embarked upon all that is required of me.

Now as we re- embrace the full practice of our dynamic and I try to juggle all of my roles, I find that I am not where I was in my submission to J. I have found that I was much more devoted to him before and much more willing to acquiesce to his wishes and authority. I've even found myself snapping at him much more regularly which of course results in me going over his lap, sometimes daily, even more than once a day!
I'm sure hormones and just plain business are at work here but my focus lately as his submissive needs to be to improve in my submission to him.

So here is how last night went...

I sat in the living room with our children trying to calm them all down for the evening with a game of I Spy. During the game J reprimanded one of our children to which my mama bear reared her head at him...not good. Unacceptable, not allowed, especially in front of our children is it for me to have an attitude with him.
Anyhow as I worked in the kitchen later cleaning up the dinner dishes he came up behind me and gave me a hug. I turned around and snuggled into his embrace and we talked softly together. I apologized for snapping at him earlier to which he replied, "I can't let you get away with that. But it'll be okay."
My heart soared, "So I'm not in trouble," I asked hopefully.
He looked at me. "You are in trouble. But you can take it."
My heart sunk. This has been happening almost daily.

There was still much to do. I cleaned up the kitchen and took dinner out for the next night, tended to the baby and read stories to our older children while J took care of showers and baths and got kids dressed and teeth brushed for bed.
Later as I sat with my tablet responding to emails, the time was getting later and I almost thought I was in the clear when he called me to him.
"Yeah?" I called trying to sound innocent.
Silence...
Darn! The man hadn't forgotten.

I went down to the "dungeon" to him. I have labeled our basement this because I hate when he spanks me down there, although with a baby in our room we don't really have much of a choice.

When I got to him he hugged me and I unsuccessfully tried to distract him with my chatter. He kept me in his embrace while simultaneously tugging down the pants and then the panties followed.
And then he took out the wand, our silent implement that hurts like a mother but doesn't make any noise when used, except from the sub!
He sat and put me over his lap and wasted no time in beginning and I gasped, digging my feet into the carpet to try and take it without moving. He lectured as he continuously brought the wand down hard. I don't remember much of what he said but I do remember this...

"You will not speak to me like that. Do you understand me?"
I nodded into the couch with hands over my face, gasping and digging my feet into the floor. He paused a moment seemingly waiting for the "Yes Sir, Yes Daddy" that I couldn't speak. I know he wants me to get to the place where I can say this during the punishment.

As he continued I felt my body try to relax and lay over his lap without being rigid. As I did this I found that the spanking seemed easier to take. It still hurt like anything but the act of trying to submit physically and absorb it rather than fight it with being tense seemed to help.

When he finished he sat me up and held me and spoke softly to me and I nodded in response to him in his chest. I have to say I think it broke down some barrier that I had up as I feel much more connected to him today than I have in quite a while as I've struggled submitting.  He mentioned feeling that we should begin maintenance sessions during our check ins each morning in order to get me in the head space to submit throughout the day which would hopefully cut down on the punishment spanks he's doling out. We used to use this method before and though it means a tender backside nearly every day at least its not as hard as the punishments are.

So once we were rekindled and in a good place again I could tell he was a bit (eh hem) needy and so I took care of the man like a good little sub.
And then we enjoyed our in- home date night catching up on Outlander with some rum and coke and a good snuggle. We actually had NO interruptions which was totes amazing!

Well that's the scoop here! Wish me luck as I try to stay out of trouble this next week as homeschool starts up and we adjust to our fall routine.

Hope you all take good care and thanks for stopping by!

Jlynne





Sunday, August 20, 2017

Update and Reflection

Happy Sunday! It's been a while since I've posted because we've had our baby! She is a darling little 3 week old that is just precious and so I've taken time away from the blog as we've been adjusting to the change.
 So much has happened since I last posted and I've been eager to get back to my blogging and writing in general.
My posts thus far have mostly been reflective in nature, going over the last year which was our first year practicing DD/ Ds in our marriage. We are getting back in the swing of things now that the pregnancy is past and I've mostly recovered from my c- section. I can't say it's been easy jumping back into our practices since many of the things we incorporated have been put on hold for the past few months but we are getting there.
After the first couple weeks of recovery both J and I were eager to reconnect within our dynamic and we talked about doing something we haven't done before. We decided to reinstate our practices again through Role Affirmation.
So, I know many couples do this and find that it is helpful for them. Some  do this on a regular basis and others do this as needed. For us it has never been something that we gravitated towards. However, since we've been out of practice for some time as far as the full practice of our dynamic goes, we felt that a good role affirmation session was necessary. The purpose for us being to reinstate the fullness of the expectations that we had established in the beginning and to reinstate my husbands authority.
Now to explain, we still lived by the rules established when we first began practicing this lifestyle. However because the pregnancy caused us to have to adjust to different expectations and different ways of enforcing expectations, there wasn't always the same attention given to our dynamic as there had been before. We were very active in our roles based dynamic, but the DD part of our dynamic was modified so much to accommodate both emotional and physical challenges during pregnancy that we were really out of shape so to speak when we were ready to embrace our practices fully again.
So after J had put up with enough of my hormonal fluctuations, and really I was dying for him to stop playing so nice with me, we had a session. I knelt down and we went over what he expects of me. We went over the old rules and adjusted as necessary. And then he put me over his lap, bared and spanked me HARD... Because it was not meant as a punishment he used his hand... but he has never used his hand that hard before. I didn't even know he could spank as hard as he did! Before long I was kicking and scissoring my legs and trying to get down. When I was almost in tears he finally stopped and well... then other good things happened.
As a submissive I know that sometimes I just need to feel my husbands power. I may not have done anything to displease him, but I need to feel him. I need to know he's got me and he's in control of things and I can lean on him. I need to know he won't let me spiral out of control or cause destruction in my life.
There is a part of me that angst's, that worries, that doesn't know when to stop saying of doing the wrong things, that doesn't know what the wrong things are all the time, that pushes too hard, turns people away, and in the moment of my angst I feel justified and don't always realize that what I am saying or doing is hurtful or wrong... until it is too late.
I didn't know if I was going to broach this topic but it's coming up and I'm just going to say it.It's been a difficult weekend as its become clear to me that damage has been done.
If you're reading here and you know I'm talking to you... I'm sorry. I can't repair the damage I have done. There is nothing I can say or do. Apparently it's too late. I never meant to hurt you.
Sometimes I don't realize that I can be a bitch until I've pushed people away.
I snapped at J the other day. I was tired and cranky and I just got snippy with him for no good reason. He said, "If you get like that with other people I can see why you're having a problem."
Ouch!
I know that I care deeply for people. I care about my friends and my intentions are usually good. For some reason I also am very sensitive and afraid of being hurt by others and sometimes it causes me to question others or feel defensive unnecessarily. And the bitch comes out... and I've been trying to stifle her for years.
If we never speak again, it's not by my choice. And I am very, very sorry that this is the result of what I thought was friendship. And I am very sorry for what I have done to cause this.


Jlynne


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Understand Me (Part 2)

... I pulled away from women in the lifestyle. I pulled away from J because the changes we were going through hurt too much. I tried to find strength and peace through prayer but I was losing myself, losing J, losing our connection...

When I went up to J in the mornings, I met him in tears. We were no longer relating to each other as Dominant and submissive and just the act of sitting by his side instead of kneeling in respect was enough to break my heart...

He assured me he was still my leader and that his expectations of me were still there, but without the structure of our dynamic it wasn't the same.

I questioned myself... why did I need this so much? What was it about this lifestyle that brought me so much security?

People that don't understand this lifestyle often view it as being about a fetish, a bedroom thing, or at worst a way for a husband to control his wife and justify something abusive. It's hard to defend a way of life that you love and need when you can't put your finger on why you need it, where the need comes from, what draws you to it...

I reread through blogs trying to figure out and explain to myself why I needed this, why the boundaries and practices of this lifestyle brought me peace and security.
I knew it was not about spanking. If that was my sole motivation for wanting this, bedroom play would have been enough. No, I needed the security of the boundaries. I needed the boundaries backed up by my husbands mutually consensual right to discipline so that the boundaries would be real to me. Up until this point in my life I'd lived a life of inconsistency, lose boundaries, and unmet goals. It was not that I had no willpower but that once the will to meet expectations waned, I lost the draw I needed to keep pushing forward. When J took over for me and became that expectation for me: to show him respect when I didn't feel like it, to be calm and patient when I was frazzled, to not overspend as a means of self- therapy, to not succumb to an eating disorder in my moments of anxiety or weakness, to not make unhealthy choices in those same moments like smoking cigarettes or taking a drink too many, and the list goes on... I blossomed. I had confidence and I experienced personal success in my life.
Yes, spanking was involved and I consented to it, but it was not looked forward to when it was in the context of discipline.
Did it attract me to J?

Well, yes. Any alpha display attracts me to him. The more masculine and hard he is, the more feminine and soft I become. While I like his gruffness, bossiness, and the way he takes charge of me I don't like knowing I've disappointed him. I don't enjoy the emotional or physical pain of being disciplined.

Now that I understood myself, I had to hope J would understand me. I feared that even God would turn his face from me for not being the kind of Christian woman I should be.
I prayed and asked God to accept me as I was, to not turn his face away from me for being like this, with these needs.

J was afraid he had hurt me and that the practices we had might have been wrong. Was that why I had been so down? But now that we had stopped our practices, I was still down. Why?

I went to him and did my best to explain my self- discovery to him. As time goes on more pieces of that self- discovery puzzle seem to find their place. Honestly, it took him a while to re- entertain the idea of beginning again... and on top of it he had a lot on his plate. He began working well into the evenings to support our family as I had taken an early maternity leave because of the physical pain I was having in the pregnancy.
I experienced strong anxiety as a result of his being gone so much and began having panic attacks. It wasn't until this point that J really began to understand the part that his dominance and leadership played in our marriage. Soon after he reinstated our dynamic but shortly after that he no longer allowed for me to bring his coffee to him in the morning or kneel because of the physical discomfort I was in. This was hard for me as I stated before. Now that I had our lifestyle back I wanted all of it. I needed to express my submission to him in the ways that were meaningful to me.
Anyhow, I obeyed him, happy that at least things were returning to normal for us. And in time he agreed to let me continue in these practices once again when I expressed the need to in spite of the discomfort. 
As far as spanking goes, a couple of mild disciplinary sessions occurred for insubordination as we worked out the kinks involved in restarting our dynamic where we had left off and J very carefully spanked me once with his belt and once with his hand. Soon after this though he decided the spanking had to stop for the time being as a precaution for the pregnancy and because I was increasingly uncomfortable as it progressed.

During this time J was also given an advancement with another company and was able to cut back on his hours so that I would have the physical and emotional support that I needed at home. So things began looking up for our family and for us as a couple.

Going through this together has been a major learning experience. I feel that we have come to know and understand each other better and have been given tangible proof for our marriage as to why this works for us. I no longer question if it is right. If it isn't then I guess we'll just have to be wrong. But how can something wrong cause so much good...?
How can it promote so much security and internal peace?
I would never go back. I would never question again. I embrace myself and all my socially unacceptable needs with an open heart and an open understanding. And what's best is, J does too and he has found some of his own needs met through these practices as well...
The need to be respected unconditionally, the need to have a voice and a prominent position as leader in our family, the right to exercise his masculinity, and a closeness within our marriage that didn't exist before all this.
As I've stated before, this dynamic did not save our marriage, but it did draw us closer and make us a stronger couple. So if this is wrong, I just don't know...
Something wrong has never ever felt so right.

Jlynne



Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The Last Serious Spanking (Part 1)

He called me to him....

 I had made a very serious error that did not result as a matter of ignorance or mistake, but of procrastination. I had not taken a duty that I had seriously and it almost had a very negative affect on our family. We had caught it the day before, Valentines Day, and had to cancel some plans in order to fix the situation.

 I felt terrible....

Because it took well into the evening to correct the problem, J said I would be punished the following night. So after our children were asleep he took me downstairs to our basement. I hate when he punishes me there. It feels like a dungeon.

He had me bend over the couch. I hate this too. I much prefer to be held by him when he punishes me. Being close to him relieves some of the anxiety I feel about what is happening.

After he bared me he paddled me, harder and longer then he ever has and I muffled my cries into the couch. Every stroke hurt horribly and it seemed like an eternity before he was finished.

When he put the paddle down he sat and held me on his lap and I cried into his chest.
I don't remember if he had tears in his eyes, as sometimes he does after a harsh disciplinary session, but I do remember what he said to me....

 He told me he knew I messed up but I'd been doing so well and he was proud that I was his wife. Although he had to punish me so harshly for the severity of what I had done, he loved me.
I looked at him in tears. He felt this for me after I had messed up so badly and been so irresponsible?

I felt horrible. ...

I would make it up to my family. I would never be irresponsible again.
I never wanted to forget the fear I felt over that mistake- how things could have turned out if we hadn't caught it as we did. I never wanted to forget the pain of that spanking which literally lingered over the next few days.

I felt depressed for days after- something I had never experienced after a punishment before. But I couldn't seem to shake it. I wasn't depressed because my husband had punished me but because of the severity of my error. It took some time before I felt right again.

 I talked with some other women in the lifestyle about how I was feeling. They were understanding and encouraged me to share my feelings with J.

So I did....

We began to question if this dynamic was the right choice for us. Were our disciplinary practices the reason I was feeling so blue? I was hurting so deeply that I couldn't put my finger on what I was experiencing. I was so confused and unsure, struggling with so many different feelings and emotions that we put our practices on hold for the time being.

I never felt so lost and alone as I did then....